Let's have a difficult conversation...

I have heard leadership described in many ways. A leader is a: visionary, role model, problem solver, teacher,strategist, chearleader, shepherding, and the list goes on and on.These are all great leadership qualities. However, what does leadership ultimately boil down to? What is the stuff that really separates a ‘good’ from a ‘great’ leader? A competent leader can supply vision, solve problems, think creatively, and shepherd others, but there is one act that many creative leaders fail in or try to avoid; having the difficult conversation. Nancy Beach once said:

“At the end of the day, leadership is just a series of difficult conversations…”

A bell went off in my head when I heard that. It’s true. Through all the creativity, glamour, stress, high points, and hard times, great creative leadership is the willingness to have a hard conversation. It’s asking yourself:

  • Do I care enough about this person’s character to address this issue?
  • Do I believe that this conversation can have life changing results (for both of us)?
  • Am I willing to invest in this relationship by having this hard conversation?
  • Am I willing to be wrong and humbly ask for forgiveness?
  • Am I willing to go through pain and discomfort for the sake of this relationship?
  • Am I willing to consider this person's needs greater than my own?

There is a lot more attention and credit given to ‘public’ skills like speaking, artistic talent, and charisma. As a leader you need to do those well. But are you willing to have the difficult conversation with one another- even if you might be in the wrong?

A leadership style that embraces the difficult conversation is what seperates great leaders from the rest of the organization.

Who is the co-worker you need to 'clear the air' with today? Who is the artist that you keep making excuses for? Who is the friend your conscience is poking you to talk to? Be a leader today and have that difficult conversation, not only for the sake of your relationships but for the sake of your leadership. 

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.”
Matthew 18:15
Published 02 April 2009 05:37 PM by Tony Kim
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Comments

# DK said on 02 April, 2009 05:57 PM
Asians are horrible at this. I want to be good at this. I have too many of these sometimes. I want to go to there...
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# Tony Kim said on 02 April, 2009 06:02 PM

Yea, we'd rather pull out the samerai swords and just settle it the 'good ole' fashion way. Last man standing. Guess that was a more civilized era...Thanks DK!

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# Dennis Salvatier said on 02 April, 2009 06:14 PM
Very true. I'm fortunate that in my family we neverhad a problem telling each other how we were screwing up. :)
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# LT said on 02 April, 2009 06:18 PM
It's funny...in business, we have to have hard conversations. that's why we get paid the big bucks. but in personal life and church life we shy from it. i think it's because the goals in business are urgent and pressing enough that people learn to put that aside to get the task done. but in church life, the greater goal of the kingdom is not a pressing or urgent issue because its invisible. so we don't feel the urgency though the importance is even greater. it really comes down to being mature enough to have those "difficult" conversations. I totally agree that people are judged too much on fluffy externals like speaking, etc. but in church life people aren't often challenged enough in the unseen skills that demand real maturity and character. that's why i think 90% of pastors or 50 feet tall in the pulpit but 3 feet tall outside the pulpit. not totally their fault. they cultivate what is valued in our culture which is personality and entertainment.
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# Special K said on 02 April, 2009 09:56 PM
What about the art of meeting the person where they're at in order to have that difficult conversation. I find that if I'm talking to another leader it's much easier to have it out, but if the person is not a leader there's an art to being able to make the difficult conversation accessible to the recipient. IMO
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# Tony Kim said on 03 April, 2009 01:21 AM

Special K, your right. You always have to adjust your intensity, directness, and tone based on the nature of your relationship and their committment to you (or the organization). Remeber, the goal of any conflict is restoration and growth. A creative leader has to be sensitive to who is talking to.

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# Rick said on 03 April, 2009 07:03 AM
It's sad that Christians have such major problems with walking this out. We see holding back a hard talk as the compassionate gesture when the opposite is true. True love and compassion is displayed when we forsake discomfort to make way for truth. I bet if every church/ministry organization did this today the unemployment number would increase a full percentage point or more. Matt 18 lays out the guidelines. Do we believe God knows best or do we trust our selfish hearts?
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# MacGyver said on 03 April, 2009 09:38 AM
Thank you for sharing this list. I have always respected your ability to have the hard conversations. Hopefully the hard conversations I have had help bring people to restoration.
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# e. salas said on 03 April, 2009 02:36 PM
different for most latinos we're all about "in your face" in the homefront but much more difficult in the minstry world. this is a good word, tk, thanks
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# Patricia said on 04 April, 2009 12:14 AM
I find the 'hard conversation' one of THE hardest things to do. I feel like I need to work through my own frustration with the person before I can address anything, otherwise it's about venting, or it's about being 'right' more than being 'restored'. Great article,Tony. I really needed this word.
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# Kirk said on 05 April, 2009 02:51 PM
I tend to agree, the difficult conversation is one of the things that sets leadership apart. Leadership requires decision making. Not all decisions are popular. Leadership requires standards. Standards are not always met. Leadership requires vision. Vision is not always a unanimous consensus. Thanks also for mentioning a willingness to move even if you may be wrong. That fear of being wrong, especially when we're dealing in areas that are not easily measured, is too often a comfortable excuse. Prayerfully we must act. Fail or wrong are not words I'm fond of, but I believe we'll be well acquainted with them if we're really living.
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